When I’m sick, all bets are off. I just don’t give a fuck and it feels nice.
It’s weird because it’s like when I’m sick, it’s the only time where I give myself permission to do absolutely nothing. In a very strange way, being sick to me is like being on vacation.
Wow, that’s fucked up. It’s just like Cameron in “Ferriss Bueler’s Day Off”.
Anyway, It’s times like this where I realize just how much energy I put into being someone who comes off as likable for the sake of a job. Even if it’s a little bit. I’m sure it comes with the territory with any job.
But if I’m being honest with myself, I can recognize the fact that I try to be a good person while also recognizing my feelings of how vital it is that I am authentic with anyone that I meet. As a person, as a musician and as a teacher. This might put some people off who know me personally on some level and aren’t used to me expressing myself this way because y’know, most of the time, I’d say I’m a pretty happy dude. I try to be at least. Maybe it’s the trying that takes so much energy sometimes. Not every day is perfect.
I also hate it when I get sick
Usually because in the past, I couldn’t afford to take time off of work as a music teacher so I would sit in a room with no soundproofing, drums above me, guitars to the right of me and a child anywhere from the age of 7 to 17 expecting me to teach them something.
And rightly so. It’s not their fault that I’m sick.
Unless it is. I know it was one of you fuckers that did this to me grrrrr……..(shakes fist angrily at the sky)
So there I am. In a position where I really shouldn’t have shown up.
All the while my skin hurts, my head is throbbing, every loud sound feels like it fills the entire room and I just want to go to bed.
“But I’m there, I can’t shortchange the staff at the school on such short notice, I can just tough it out. If I can get through the day, I should be alright.”
Does this sound like you?
This was 100% me.
Here’s why this is incredibly selfish
I was so trapped in my own self absorbed little world that I never considered the risks of me going to work would outweigh the risks of me staying home.
Like, for example, the fact that I could potentially get anyone and everyone sick that I came in contact with at the school. This includes the staff and a percentage of the 200 students who attend.
Let’s say I do show up. Let’s say I’m there for 5 hours and have a full day of students. I now have risked losing a day anyway because, in theory, I’ve exposed them all to my illness which will cause them to call out of their lessons next week.
Let's say that it spreads to the staff. Well, then that will result in those staff members doing one of two things.
Either 1.) Taking the day off and shortchanging the school
Or 2.) Doing the same thing I’m doing and risking even more people at the school to get sick.
I guess what I’m trying to get across here is that I’ve realized over time that when you take care of yourself, you’re not just taking care of you. You may also be protecting others around you.
Think about it.
You may already think along those lines. I totally did. I thought “Y’know, I can no longer bend over backwards to help others who won’t help themselves .” And in this case, I was talking about more interpersonal situations but I kind of compartmentalized that in my head.
I didn’t think about it in other areas of my life.
Like even something as simple as taking the day off from work if you have the flu. My fear of losing the money (since there were no paid sick days) fed this selfish mindset of “I have to just tough it out”. I didn’t consider the others around me that I was putting at risk.
(Whew) I feel better!
Thanks for reading! Can you relate? Let me know if you do. Honestly, I feel very uneasy writing about this because somewhere in my mind, it’s like I don’t want to let people know that I’m human and have bad days too but…I mean that’s half the reason why I do music in the first place.
You gotta let the demons out somehow.